Reverend Manny and The Twilight Empire

You thought $700 billion was bad? Check out this report from the AP (holla) that Americans have lost about $2 trillion worth of retirement savings just over the past 15 months.

Wait what happened?

“WASHINGTON – Americans’ retirement plans have lost as much as $2 trillion in the past 15 months — about 20 percent of their value — Congress’ top budget analyst estimated Tuesday as lawmakers began investigating how turmoil in the financial industry is whittling away workers’ nest eggs…..

“Unlike Wall Street executives, America’s families don’t have a golden parachute to fall back on,” said Rep. George Miller, D-Calif., the panel chairman. “It’s clear that their retirement security may be one of the greatest casualties of this financial crisis.”

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If you ever wanna commit a really huge crime–go legal. It’s the only way to pull it off. Sure, if Me and my 5 Homies run up a liquor store and rob it for 200 dollars worth of cash, there’s a bit of profit there. But if we wanna make the really big green, and avoid the moral fingerpointing and jail time, we gotta go legal.

I’d get Me and my 5 Homies together and start a retirement investment plan. While our previous shady dealings may keep banks and other such venerable financial institutions from lending Me and my 5 Homies money to invest on our whim and fancy, the Lay American isn’t as heavy laden with all the facts and history of the matter. The Lay American asks less serious questions (even though strangely enough, they have more to lose).

But how in the world could Me and my 5 Homies get them to give us their money? Hm…

I mean, the Lay American is far less “practically wealthy” than it would seem, so he doesn’t really keep any huge piles of money around (Lay American would rather take out a mortgage and pretend their house is a big pile of money).

But surely, there must be somewhere where even this creature piles his money together… That’s right!! We’re a wiley little species and we like to save up for future times of need–like old age.

Me and my 5 Homies see that in fact there is a pile of money to be gotten from the Lay American. Maybe not a ton at first, or individually. But in the long run and especially if we get enough of their little piles together, we could build one big pile. And that’s now our investment capital.

“Hey there Lay American. What were you planning to do with that jar of grey day money?”

“Keep it for my Grey Days?”

“That’s silly. You ever heard of inflation?”

“That’s the thing with the tires right?”

“No, no, silly American. It means that jar of money has less and less value as time goes on. So while your jar of 1000 dollars can buy you 20 pairs of great sneakers now, in 20 years time, you’ll only be able to buy 18 sneakers with the same amount of money.”

“My money’s dying?”

“No no no. I didn’t say ‘dying’.”

“But you said it was dying!!!”

“No I didn’t!! Listen, you need to take that jar of money and invest it in somebody’s business. Then when that business does well, you’ll have more money.”

“More money?!”

“Yep”

“I like money.”

“Well there you go, Lay American. Now all you gotta do is go make a deal with somebody to lend them your jar of cash, and hope they’ll give you some money back in the future.”

“That all sounds complicated.”

“You like money, right?”

“I like money.”

“Well if you want your money to get bigger, you’re gonna have to invest it.”

“I don’t know. That sounds complicated.”

“Here, I tell you what. Me and my 5 Homies we’re actually really good at this ‘investing’. We can take your jar of money and find someone that needs it to grow their business. When their business grows, and they pay us back, you’ll have even more money, and Me and my 5 Homies will get a few bucks as well for our trouble.”

“Hm, I don’t know.”

“Why not let the professionals handle it?! C’mon now, Me and my 5 Homies can make you a rich man.”

“I like money.”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“But wait. It took me years to save up this jar. I had to put cash into it every week.”

“Well then, Me and my 5 Homies would be more than glad to let you keep putting money into your jar, and we’ll invest that for you too. Even more money, huh?”

“I like money.”

So the Lay American gives over his Grey Day jar to Me and my 5 Homies. And he even sends in a nice Hamilton ever week to pad it up even bigger.

Than one day, it’s time for the big payback.

“I can’t wait, I’ve been working for 40 years and these investment specialists promised they’re gonna make me a rich man.”

“Here you go sir, courtesy of Me and my 5 Homies, a sparkling check for 1500 dollars.”

“Now hold on. You said you would make me a rich man.”

“We did! We increased your money by 50 percent!!”

“Wait, what?”

“You gave us 1000 dollars, and kept sending in those 10 dollar bills, and we invested all of that!”

“And all you came up with is 1500 dollars? That doesn’t even make sense. i kind of feel l would have more money now if I’d just kept putting money into my original jar.”

“That’s the free market, Mr. Lay American. What do you want–a bailout? Quit being a whiner.”

So who has made money here? The businesses that were able to grow with the Lay American’s investment capital, they eventually made money. Me and my 5 Homies made money as our fee for handling your “retirement wealth”.

Who didn’t actually make money here? The Lay American.

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Once again, if you want to commit a really huge crime–go legal.

So now, most of us Lay and Average Americans have been brought up to think of two things as our nest eggs for our retirement age.

a) A house or apartment that we own as ours outright.

b) Our pensions (which in the economicque faux parlance is “retirement investment portfolio”)

And how are those nest eggs doing? House sales (which speculators drove to insane heights) are now plummeting, slashing away at value homeowners thought they’d safely stashed up. Retirement plans, as we know, are heartily screwed.

Who did make money in this whole ordeal? The CEO of Lehman made nearly HALF A TRILLION DOLLARS in salary and bonuses from 2000 on. Check out some more of the “big winners” here, in a great article about how new CEO payout limits they’ve implemented are actually pretty toothless.

Did you make that much money? No. Chances are, you lost money. They played with the accounting and made it look like your investments were making money… just long enough to scurry away with your money. Now that they’ve scurried… we’re gonna have to actually look at the real numbers.

And if you own a “retirement investment package” it’s gonna be really fucking bloody this time.

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It’s right in the term, ya know? A “golden parachute”.

It implies their about to jump out, and jump out with a whole bunch of money. They’re bouncing with our cash.

But if they need a golden parachute to get out, shouldn’t we be at least a little worried about where the rest of us are going?

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Btw, remember when I said the bailout was just a ripoff that would do little to nothing to improve the overall economic conditions of the country? That psychotic prediction? Well let’s just see how it turned out ey?

–”Japanese shares dropped 9.4 per cent – their biggest one-day fall since 1987 – in a grim day for Asia Pacific markets as fears deepened that more financial institutions would fail after the International Monetary Fund said banks may need $675bn of fresh capital.”

– “Jobs are vanishing at the fastest pace in more than five years with pink slips likely to keep stacking higher in the months ahead, an urgent signal the country may be careening toward a deep and painful recession just as Americans prepare to elect a new president.”

– “Employers slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the most in more than five years and the ninth month in a row of nationwide job losses. So far this year, the economy has lost a staggering 760,000 jobs.”

– “The world economy will slow sharply this year and next, with the United States likely sliding into recession reflecting mounting damage from the most dangerous financial jolt in more than a half-century.”

– “World stocks return to red despite rate cuts: Stock markets remained mired in steep losses on Wednesday, battered by fears about the world’s worst financial crisis in nearly 80 years and gaining only temporary relief from globally coordinated interest rate cuts.”

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It’s time to forget the gimmicky nonsense. It occured to me last nite, one of the few sensical questions to be asked by anyone at the Presidential Debate was the one emailed by the old woman, who asked what the next president would ask his fellow americans to sacrifice for the greater good.

It’s grown up time, America. Our economic infrastructure has been weakened by the GreedFiends. Our respect (earned or not) has been squandered haphazardly by the same people, dressed in the raiments of government and religion. And they shut us out of everything–unless they need their floors cleaned. They shut us out of healthcare (which causes more personal bankrupcies than risky mortgages, btw). They shut us out of a good education. They shut us out of the economic gains made from our sweat and savings.

And what’s more, they use our money, and our military, to pull off a more violent version of the same hustle on billions of other Lay People all across this planet.

And, believe you me, there are no golden parachutes waiting for any of us.

One Hope, One Love, One Strength,

–Reverend Manny and the Twilight Empire

ps. sorry I’ve been away for the last 60 hours or so. One, my birthday just passed and I needed a break. Two, I’m in the middle of a grant-writing process and really trying to nail it down. But I’m back, refreshed and spiritually edified for my long rest (and yes, I am still a devout and devoted atheist).

pps. Riddle of the day: What’s Russian, Chinese, green and useless? You’re dollar.